Sunday, July 22, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Why am I always so afraid?
I went out to California in Feb of this year to meet my biological siblings for the first time. The visit went well and phone calls later went find as well. Then the lull! My brother Greg dropped out of sight, phone tag insued and there were vague messages that he had been sick. He wasn't returning my phone calls, what was up!
As usual I went into denial for awhile and tried to ignore the situation. At times it would cross my mind and the fear would hit. Had I said something? Had I done something? Well I called him from the car yesterday on my way down to visit my kids and grandson and he answered the phone! Guess they are having to move. He's having problems with his kids. Why do I always think its me? Why am I still so afraid of rejection?
As usual I went into denial for awhile and tried to ignore the situation. At times it would cross my mind and the fear would hit. Had I said something? Had I done something? Well I called him from the car yesterday on my way down to visit my kids and grandson and he answered the phone! Guess they are having to move. He's having problems with his kids. Why do I always think its me? Why am I still so afraid of rejection?
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
I've been busy!
Hi All!
Thanks for all the wonderful comments! I've been over on 360 posting stuff on other subjects! Dropped in tonight and read some of the new posts recommended by Theresa. They sure hit home!
My goof ball sister called again the other night. She needed 30.00 to be able to leave her boyfriend, Huh? I just told her I couldn't because Hubbies out of work. She said she'd call me and let me know where she is! Thirty dollars, isn't that about the price of a quarter gram of dope? Sure not enough to move on! Oh well!
Meanwhile bio big bro has dropped out of sight! What'd I do? I think I'm a little pissed about it! I sent his wife a birthday card and have not heard anything back. While I'm not happy with the situation I do wonder if maybe just meeting them and seeing them once was enough. I guess time will tell.
Seems like I've been reading quite a few blogs from adoptee's who's mothers don't want to have anything to do with them. That's our greatest fear isn't it? I never got the chance to be rejected a second time because she was gone by the time I found her. I wonder some times still, would she have liked me? Would we have gotten along? Have I been spared additional pain by her death and don't know it?
Mother's Day came and went with the usual degree of depression. The kids both called but late enough in the day for me to believe that they weren't going to! While riding in our truck I wallowed in self pity that I never even got to say Happy Mother's day to my mother. The tears came.
How I wish there was a grave to visit! My mother's ashes are reported to be in some bikers attic in Sacramento, Ca. He's holding them ransom until my sister pays him the money she owes him! I would gladly go see this guy and fork over some cash but she won't cough up a name or address! I worry about what happens to them if something happens to my sister. I guess her grave is in my heart! This is the kind of stuff I don't mention on 360!
Thanks for all the wonderful comments! I've been over on 360 posting stuff on other subjects! Dropped in tonight and read some of the new posts recommended by Theresa. They sure hit home!
My goof ball sister called again the other night. She needed 30.00 to be able to leave her boyfriend, Huh? I just told her I couldn't because Hubbies out of work. She said she'd call me and let me know where she is! Thirty dollars, isn't that about the price of a quarter gram of dope? Sure not enough to move on! Oh well!
Meanwhile bio big bro has dropped out of sight! What'd I do? I think I'm a little pissed about it! I sent his wife a birthday card and have not heard anything back. While I'm not happy with the situation I do wonder if maybe just meeting them and seeing them once was enough. I guess time will tell.
Seems like I've been reading quite a few blogs from adoptee's who's mothers don't want to have anything to do with them. That's our greatest fear isn't it? I never got the chance to be rejected a second time because she was gone by the time I found her. I wonder some times still, would she have liked me? Would we have gotten along? Have I been spared additional pain by her death and don't know it?
Mother's Day came and went with the usual degree of depression. The kids both called but late enough in the day for me to believe that they weren't going to! While riding in our truck I wallowed in self pity that I never even got to say Happy Mother's day to my mother. The tears came.
How I wish there was a grave to visit! My mother's ashes are reported to be in some bikers attic in Sacramento, Ca. He's holding them ransom until my sister pays him the money she owes him! I would gladly go see this guy and fork over some cash but she won't cough up a name or address! I worry about what happens to them if something happens to my sister. I guess her grave is in my heart! This is the kind of stuff I don't mention on 360!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
My sister called
When I searched and found my family, what I found is a half brother and a half sister. My half sister was driving the car when my mother was killed. She was strung out of her mind on pills. She called tonight, strung out as she usually is. She talks so fast I can't understand what she says about half the time. She's big into conspiracy theories!
My mother was in AA. She had 7 years of sobriety when she died. My sister has located her sponsor. Guess what? She won't give me the name or number of this woman! Lord knows I know how to search and I've got some connections in AA so I can find her on my own probably with minimal effort but it just makes me mad that Anne won't let me have her number!
If this woman were anyone but my sister I'd have already kicked her out of my life. She used to call in the middle of the night but I put a stop to that and she's honoring my boundaries. She used to call and ask for money but I put a stop to that as well. Now it feels like she's rubbing information in my face. That's probably not the case but it is how it feels. Guess I need to tell her that if she's not going to give me the ladies number then we don't need to talk about THAT anymore! Anyone got any better ideas?
My mother was in AA. She had 7 years of sobriety when she died. My sister has located her sponsor. Guess what? She won't give me the name or number of this woman! Lord knows I know how to search and I've got some connections in AA so I can find her on my own probably with minimal effort but it just makes me mad that Anne won't let me have her number!
If this woman were anyone but my sister I'd have already kicked her out of my life. She used to call in the middle of the night but I put a stop to that and she's honoring my boundaries. She used to call and ask for money but I put a stop to that as well. Now it feels like she's rubbing information in my face. That's probably not the case but it is how it feels. Guess I need to tell her that if she's not going to give me the ladies number then we don't need to talk about THAT anymore! Anyone got any better ideas?
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